Fat Jeans

I'm living in a highly offended state of distress. All I wanted was a really cute pair of jeans. Is that too much for a girl to ask? I've been on my quest for the perfect jeans for a while now. I have even gone so far as to order custom-made jeans from an online company. I measured, answered questions, told them about my problem areas... And I just got my jeans in the mail. YAY! Or, not so yay. As it turns out, my custom-made, designed-to-fit-only-me jeans don't fit. Or, to be fair, I guess they do fit, at least as well as any other pair I own. But they're a little tight in the thigh, and they gap in the waist, so why did I have to humiliate myself with all the measurement disclosure? For these???

So--I'm on the prowl again, hoping for success this time.

I heard about a little store in an out-of-the-way location and decided to take a little excursion... They had all kinds of cute jeans. Pocket flaps, no pocket flaps, colorful stitching, no colorful stitching, long lengths, capri lengths, you name it... And ONE pair of jeans in my size...

Now, I'm not saying that I'm shaped like a super model. I am at no risk of having Tyra Banks request my presence on America's Next Top Model. But seriously, I'm not barn sized... You would think, in this diversity-tolerant state of acceptance in which we currently live, that a curvy, womanly-shaped person like me could buy a stinking pair of jeans!

So, after buying the ONLY pair of jeans in my size, I took to the Internet. Ah. The Internet. My homeland. My Utopia. The only place on earth where a person can find anything they desire--and some really odd things as well...

I jumped online and checked out Nordstrom. Everyone (especially me) loves Nordstrom. I clicked on the "denim" tab and surfed away. Cute pockets! Love the wash! Gotta have those trousers! oh. hmmm. It would seem that Nordstom is in on the conspiracy to keep ample bottoms out of the cute jeans department. Their sizes stop just short of the size I require. hmmm. bummer.

Undaunted, I decided, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. And I clicked on over to the Plus Size department. Hello--I'm new here... Don't judge me... And I began my quest. Yay! Cute pockets! Funky washes! oh. bummer. The smallest size is one size too big...

Really? Why would Nordstrom subscribe to this twisted conspiracy? I feel unfairly targeted. I'm too big by one size to buy regular jeans. I'm too small by one size to buy plus size jeans. Who came up with this?! Where's the justice in this denim sizing system! Who decided that MY butt would not be adorned with fun pockets!? I protest!

Next, I checked out the "premium denim" sites. Guess what. They make really cute jeans for nearly everyone! I found adorable jeans for toddlers (you know they will outgrow them in a week, right?). I could buy cute jeans for my pre-teen daughter (and wouldn't she think I was the best!?). But they only carry jeans up to the size right below my size. If I went down one stinking size, I would have a plethora of choices. But no... Nothing in my size...

So, here I sit, in the ONLY pair of jeans in my size known to exist in the state of Utah. I'm sure that them being in that little store is an anomaly. I'm sure it was an oversight to deliver anything sized correctly to embellish my behind. I'm sure the Denim Police are looking for me right now. But I don't care--I'M WEARING THEM AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!

The problem is, I know I can't wear this one pair of jeans every day for the next 18 months. I know I need at least a second pair of jeans. I am going to have to make a decision. Up a size? Or down a size? And so, the dilemma... Starve for two weeks, or eat doughnuts for breakfast for two weeks. Hmmm. Hard choice. I'm still thinking about that. I'll let you know when I decide which way to go. But in the meantime--Look at my Butt!