What's Her Face(book)

I hate Facebook. I know that hate is a really strong word. I'd use another word, but that one sums up my feelings rather accurately. And yet, somehow, Facebook has become a necessary evil of sorts. In fact, the only reason I signed up was to access my high school reunion photos. And since that induction into the world of Facebook, I have been inundated with superfluous information about people who I may or may not even remember (and may or may not have even ever met!).

I recently had a friend request from tweenage daughter of a girl with whom I attended Jr High. Really? I'm just not sure that I need to hear about her latest spelling test or how awesome she did on the math quiz. I also received a request from a girl who insists we went to High School together. If I don't remember her (at all!) do I really need to know that she's eating Corn Flakes for breakfast this morning?

Can someone please tell me how Facebook has evolved to the point where it's essentially taking over the world? Facebook knows just about everything. And what it doesn't know, it surmises. Seriously, Facebook is like that gossipy friend (I use the term friend loosely) who just can't keep anything to herself. And the innuendo that is attributed to anything you do is just outrageous! Facebook recently announced to me (and the rest of the world) that Sarah and David were just married. That's interesting, since they've been married for years and have at least one child.

And then Facebook announced to the world that I had become friends with Bryan--I guess the fact that we knew each other all through school doesn't account for anything.

And maybe Facebook knew more than we did when it announced that Jeff was gay and looking for a partner. I'm sure that was interesting information for his wife and kids! No, I think that was just a gossipy error... But did Facebook apologize? No, no it did not...

So here's the real question. When did we decide that the appropriate way to proclaim our news was to post it on Facebook? My friend Olivia just found out her friend had died--is this really information that we want disseminated by Facebook? I'm almost afraid to log in some days--what if I log in and discover that I've been diagnosed with cancer.... Could that happen? The Doctor says,

Don't worry about calling the office. I'll just post your results on Facebook.

Hmmm.

And nosy questions from former friends who have transitioned into semi-acquaintances--do you really want everyone to read those prying questions? And then how do you go about answering them?

So, here's the deal. I check Facebook because I feel it has become a certain obligation. I participate as I feel is necessary. But don't ask me to join your mafia. Don't send me potted plants. I don't want to hang your ornament on my tree. I have no desire to be kidnapped. I don't even want to know which 80's movie defines me.

Does this antipathy make me odd, unique, weird, unacceptable? Maybe. But I'm really OK with that. If you want to say hello, drop me an email. Pick up the phone. Text me. Send smoke signals. But please don't ask about the big hairy growth on my behind on Facebook. (That is not an actual situation--that was used for demonstrative purposes only.) And if you'll respect my privacy on Facebook, I'll forget all about my plan to post that nonsense about your latest escapade. Although, it was a really entertaining story and it would be fun to disseminate it to the masses!